impulse control

I want to do something crazy.

Often, that’s a thought I find myself thinking. More often than I’d like to admit, if I’m being honest. I feel these impulses, these needs to do something different. Boredom makes me want to try new things. But 95% of the time, I don’t go through with any of it.

Why not? Well, I’m terrified of the consequences. What if it goes wrong? What if the end result isn’t what I hoped for? Any time this happens, those thoughts consistently run through my mind. I’m afraid of failure.

That’s the problem. Failure is too big of a fear for me. I’ve done some things in the past, some have gone well. But others have come with regrettable consequences. And I don’t like the concept of things not going well, so if there’s a chance I usually avoid it. Some people have a problem with not controlling their impulses, I have a problem with keeping them too controlled.

Now, a part of this is caused by my anxiety. I worry all the time about all sorts of different things, and sometimes just thinking those thoughts of change starts me worrying. I want life to be a smooth ride because if I screw up I’m terrified of how it could affect me later on. And the more I think about it, the less I like the fact that my worry is controlling what I do.

So I want to be more spontaneous. I want to get over that fear, and stop being so uptight about things. And so my hope for this next year is to do the things that scare me, and face some of my fears head on. Sometimes, those crazy things will have huge rewards, and sometimes they won’t. But I won’t get anywhere in life without being able to risk it.

Now, I’m not saying I need to be all risk, all the time. There is a fine line, and the balance between risk and control is one that needs to be respected–one I intend to respect. But I want to put myself out there, try new things. I need to learn this, because without it I will go nowhere.

As of now, the idea still scares me. But I’m also kind of excited about the concept. This year is going to be all about change for me, and I hope this is going to be a good one. Hey, crazy can be good sometimes, right?


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